I realise trophies/achievements aren’t for everyone, but for me trophies have always represented an additional means of self-gratification, a motivation often exhibited through the natural exploration of my peripheral environment. The active procurement of these academic novelties may seem like dubious motivational incentives, with many refuting their very existence, proclaiming them as negligible trinkets designed to enforce some of the more imitative elements of the game that most choose to ignore. My labour’s aren’t regulated by these deceptive gratuitous, nor do they reflect my overall contribution for the suffused range of diverse trophies as a compulsory provision. I do crave a symbolic, ultimately hollow recognition for my achievements by any asinine means to facilitate this dormant ambition though, which does kinda conflict with the previous sentence? The satisfying audible alert that indicates that the specific parameters have been honoured is both an effusive presentiment and a blessed relief. I’m not saying that accumulating these postures of conceit and boastfully displaying them to regale all curious spectators is the most vital of provocations, though I do exhibit them with a deep sense of adulation. It may seem like a speciously conceived precursor, but having a notified prescient for what challenges I maybe confronted with and whether or not I’d feel encouraged to partake in the subsidiary procurement of trophies, presents me with suitable logistical deferential for the errands that require intervening accordance. Anything that enhances my experience, without jeopardising my pleasure or motivates me to explore other avenues I would otherwise dismiss is advantageous. These sensible predilections were vindicated when I decided to purchase “Goat Simulator” for a reduced price, recline in earnest capitulation and acquire an easily accessible platinum trophy.
I had downloaded Goat Simulator with the intention of sating my own prolonged curiosity about this antagonistic Bovidae miscreant. A composite merger of goat and Bin Laden, that is most likely an insurgent placed at the behest of some surreptitious terrorist organisation (no one would suspect a docile goat grazing in a field!). But the facile inventory of objectives associated with the trophies was a beneficial coincidences that I’d be able to procure with minimal exertion, as there isn’t a specific narrative complexity that undermines these trophies. Your just a goat head-butting pedestrians up the backside, climbing ladders with your elasticated neck and causing proprietary terrorism that would make the Taliban blush. Due to the narrative limitations, securing the trophies required an inflation of creative design, with the extraction of these achievements somewhat enjoyable if overtly elaborate. Watching the elasticity of a flailing pedestrian straddling a kamikaze goat as it takes flight from a conspicuously constructed catapult being a particular highlight. A game of such assorted arbitrations doesn’t exactly boast a cultivated story of detachment associated with being an invulnerable, often omnipotent goat that relishes licking roller-coasters. So I had some fun, blew up some petrol stations, went into space, licked some protesters, bounced on some stained mattresses and went as limp as a dozing weasel as I hurled my flaccid body at a dancing spectator. “Oh the guffaw and lingering mirth is unassailable. Look, that’s another trophy. Ooh, that’s another. What’s this trophy? Hmm? Seems simple enough.”
Many frustrating minute’s later……
Who designed this stupid, irrational, exasperating pooey bum, turgid, tree frog skunk facing….ugh…..uh?….poo! That’s all my nurtured maturity can annunciated at this point: POO! The provoking interjection of this crippling mini game was so prejudiced towards the player that the developers must have been consorting with Satan. My prolonged duress and subsequent derision was initiated by a cheap imitation of the now defunct game “Flappy Bird.” “Flappy goat” (a name so hysterical that my sides have been declared legally dead!) deferred all the frustrating synergy reflected in its imitated mechanics, and amplified it’s deformities with hit detection so defective it’d be as practical as a penguin in a game of tennis! Complemented with an already awkward camera angle and overlapping soundtrack that Pee Wee Herman would listen too if he were sexually assaulting a clown! I employed stoic demeanour as I attempted a couple of run through’s and cordially assessed that this would require a moderate degree of application to successfully guide the goat through the necessary ladders (10) to complete the obstacle. A projected time of approximately half an hour was soon curtailed by the grievously deficient hit detection that required the precision of a surgeon, delicately making incisions on a patients heart ventricles with a meat cleaver, while the other hand is threading a sausage through a needle. All the subjective levity associated with simulating a psychopathic goat were gone, discharged with abrupt insolence. I became so agitated by its deficient ineptitude that I actually tried to take a bite out of the controller?! When that immediately failed I just gnawed on it for a while like a confused rodent, before receding into a diminished mass of volatile incontinence, verbalizing consonants and vowels with equal deficiency.
This convalescent trophy must have been implemented by a developer with a complacent dismissal for humanity. An individual so spiteful that they desired to inflict their own generated suffering onto the rest of the world. It’s a mini game as reactive as a snoozing sloth on holiday, exerting a stymied deference of skill, and instead focusing on an individual’s techniques and patience. Descending too quickly results in you crashing, elevating too much and a similar result applies. This repugnant achievement deserved strategic, contemptuous evasion and it’s vilification was only moderately alleviated by its successful completion. It’s deliberate imposition composed to infuriate and taint my vocational qualifications failed, yet my spirit and will to engage in its dearth of emotionally repressed benevolence and light-hearted yarn is currently weeping at the bottom of the garden, next to my hope for another Onimusha title!
You think I’m overreacting? This video is but a fraction of the highly edited, non-sequential hell I endured. This music will haunt you eternally! You have been warned!
What’s the most frustrated you’ve ever been with a game? Let me know in the comments below. Cheers.
At the expense of much perishable time–much of which was allocated to subverted allocation of free time–I recently received my 19th Platinum trophy courtesy of Tales of Xillia. Please, please reserve your applauds and informal plaudits. Oh, you are. Well this Platinum, though tenuous at times was largely fun at around 75 accumulated hours and certainly an influential advocate for monetary restraint as your likely discover enough salient time to accomplish all the necessary accolades to achieve the Platinum. A cursory advisement that is always a consideration when acquiring any Platinum is at least a meagre deviation from your intimate proposed stipulations and some minor capitulations and compromises, though likely numerable alterations have to be applied in the procurement of trophies. But the most common attribution that can be derived from your resilient endeavours is repetition, often postured as “grinding”. It’s a lamentable parity affiliated with almost every game; collect specified antiquities, ascend to stipulated level, participate and win regulated events etc. But nowhere is the relinquishment of sanity and tenuous grinding more apparent than in my projected 20th Platinum trophy, GTA V.
You’d imagine that the on-line portion would be a personification of the singular brilliance of GTA V’s sardonic observations of modern recognition. The morose subjugation of the impoverished inhabitants, exacerbated by the extravagant disparity of glitzy Vinewood that looms over their corrugated habitations with strangulating earnest. The glamorised perception of fame coveted by so many vacuous cretins with aspirations of falsified notoriety, via exploitive TV shows such as “Fame or Shame”. The lavished extravagance of narcotics, the pervading infidelity and invasive conduct of the press are satirised with attentive accuracy. However none of these evocative observations overtures are accounted on-line, which diminishes the potency of the objectives which is primarily a compilation of mini games– and the acquirement of trophies that simply force you to perform the vapid tasks and recreational activities that no one wants to do. Participating in Golf is mildly entertaining, if irrelevant, sure. But to obtain the “Numero Uno” trophy for instance requires that you play–and win–at darts, the shooting range, arm wrestling and tennis? Tennis. In a GTA game! Really?! All these events are largely superfluous activities that people reluctantly sample, and quickly evacuated (not rectally…..I hope). Another Bronze trophy requires the auxiliary assistance of *sigh* other players, and you know how I feel about that sort of thing? Most of whom possess all the willing compliance of someone receiving a struggle cuddle. But the award for most derivative, protracted, elongated, obtuse, soul-destroying, grind, goes to…….(opens figurative envelope)…….”Above the law”. Congratulations you hermetic little annoyance, take a bow!
It’s not difficult to achieve level 100 in the conventional sense, there’s no reticulated barrier restricting me and not some masochistic boss that impedes my progress, but progressive fidelity becomes stifled by assertive repetition and linearity. When you’re relying heavily on your own conviction to succeed rather than the game enticing you to explore its concealed labours with your own collaborative volition, or probing affiliated forums for a concerted cheat that you can exploit that grants special dispensation, then you know you’re in trouble. You can’t detach yourself from the community to concentrate focus purely on development because the community is always there, probably right behind you attaching an incendiary device to the base of your $800,000 car! Even though engaging with other adversaries in competitive terms is suitably balanced, restricting the more financially robust philanthropists with a neutrality extending to the armaments so that individuals advanced repertoire of stylised logistics or personalised artillery are rendered negligible, but is largely bereft of incentive. The retention of RP (the commodity required for level development) is an according capitulation particularly exploited in Rooftop Rumble. Comprised of a simple shoot the bad guys, extract the required Intel for your client and successfully evading your aggressive perusers, thereby accumulating affluent financial compensation. “Great” I hear you rebuke, “what’s the issue?” Because its simply an alternate variant on a pre-existing grind, provoked by similarly established players hitting the restart button at the conclusion. And in fairness why shouldn’t they when other more aggravating and needlessly tenuous missions offer less compensation for your efforts.
And it’s that contradictory subtext that remains a perpetual blemish for me. How can it be less profitable to procure a cargo carrier full of ballistics, guarded by a small militia, than beating a prostitute with a blunt phallic in some concealed alleyway? You maybe shocked to learn that GTA On-line has suffered from an abundance of problems, so I’m sorry for the clarification here. As a result–for the game to even function for longer than it takes flies to fornicate–RockStar have frequently released patches, or band-aids to stem the crimson coagulation from permanently staining their beautifully rendered city. As significant as these intervening patches have been, even bolstering the expansive range of vehicles, residencies and other amenities; each new update is usually accompanied by a clandestine limitation that reduces the applicable currency and experience received. It’s almost as though they want you to extend your funds by using real money? Say what you will about Resident Evil 5 (which I cite as one of my most enjoyable platinum’s), but for all its vocal criticisms it was a contrasting dynamic in comparison. Because for all of its erroneous fables, regulated repetition, the intentional mirroring of its predecessor and Jill’s (stupid!) blond follicles the attainment of accolades felt naturally progressive. You recouped them so regularly and consistently that its repetition was negligible in contrast to the evanescent sophistry of GTA. Their were no attenuated offline trophies like regulating a submersible to collect……toxic waste? Which was only suitably surpassed by the cranial haemorrhage caused by the monotony of assassinating 400 pigeons in GTA IV. Is it too much to ask that a game presents interesting trophies for me to collate and reward my continued patronage rather than inhibit it? Of course its my decision to collect these largely superfluous accolades and that its my own submissive narcissism that motivates me, and that’s partially affable. But complacency is inevitable too, especially in a game that relies repetition and on the enmity of greed and the consolidation of the mentioned sin…..So in actuality, the requisite grinding required to attain level 100 is rather applicable, unfortunately…..
What’s the most annoying grind you’ve ever experienced? And don’t say this article. Cheers.
Anyone who has attempted to acquire a Platinum trophy, will testify to how exceedingly exhausting the process can be. The Patrick Jane like acuity needed to determine the most proficient means of gaining these prizes with the minimum of repetition, adopting a hermit persuasion to snare the more resilient accolades, and the necessary skill and the ability to deter cognitive deterioration caused by the seemingly unobtainable trophies, that persistently elude you like the digesting of processed horse meat in your local Tesco’s beef burger (other proprietors are available). But on occasion it’s not the difficulty of the trophy that prevents you from amassing an extended collection of Platinums, but the ludicrous absurdity of some of the less apprised possessions.
Bronze trophies are the natural result of progression of a game, the simplest of tasks are rewarded with that little chime and meager the possession of the top, right side of the screen. Ding! You discovered this destination. Ding! You acquired a hidden treasure. Ding! You pressed a button on your Playstation, and well you get the idea. Many of the Bronze trophies serve as a distraction to assure you that you are making progress with your chosen exploits and ensure safe, progressive passage through. Their hardly difficult acquisitions, they should be readily obtainable, most without prior consensual digressions, or through randomly occurring events. But sometimes these insignificant panderings require incredulous patience, and in my case, the manipulation of a glitch to obtain.
Recently, in nostalgic fascination, I purchased the Ratchet & Clank HD collection, which to my surprise has aged like a Helen Mirren wine, encased in the arctic ice, preserved with unblemished results (in other words well, if you’re a little confused by this admittedly, misleading analogy), but the one figurative obstruction that prevented that Ding of satisfied credibility, that can only be obtained from acquisition of a platinum (or sexual congress with Kat Denning’s) was the arbitrary, and distinctly malicious Bronze, that was necessary for the above confirmation. This one, seemingly modest trophy required a glitch to achieve. The defendant in question required me to accumulate 1,000,000 bolts, which for those unaffiliated with R&C, is the fictional currency used to purchase numerous, elaborate destructive weaponry. Which is ultimately achieved with a suitably resilient Playstation capable of enduring an extended, 7 hour application, a suitable controller resistant to repetitive strains by continued diligence from an exceedingly weighty dinosaur cereal bowel, acquired from a museum specifically constructed for the education of paleontology, that could evenly distribute pressure to the appropriate button, all whilst I slumbered, presumably dreaming of more consequential use of my time/life.
Without elaborating further (for your own benefit you understand), it was a gratuitous and tedious expenditure of time, electricity and my sanity, but seemingly the only justification to avoid unnecessarily tedious repetition of a game I love. I verbalised many baffled expletives, all expressed because of a bronze that seems superfluously difficult in the context of your objectives, there just seems to be little logistical continuity?! Many trophies are dependant on your own tolerances, and the perpetual reluctance you’ll likely encounter as you progress. With Silver’s, you expect to achieve with relative ease with only moderate inconveniences, Golds by their very definition require more meticulous command to obtain, integrated to challenge your resolve with standardised pressure. So why is it some bronze trophies, much like the one I’ve referenced with numerous displays of folly, and particularly in regards to online trophies which are equally restrictive in design, requiring a level of dedication few possess, are so masochistic to retain?
Have you had trouble with trophies/achievements that felt harsh? Or do you skip such accolades in favour of gameplay? Let me know what you guys think.