“The Elder Scrolls: Blades”: Taking An Arrow To The Wallet.

I’d originally planned to discuss The Elder Scrolls Blades a few weeks ago, back when I’d downloaded it during its early access period. But other more interesting discussions prompted me to temporarily postpone my perfunctory analysis, which should give you some indication into how apathetic I was about this diluted, shill of an Elder Scrolls game. The Elder Scrolls Blades is as much an Elder Scrolls game as it is a Lord Of The Rings story. There are particular correlating themes, some overlapping Tolkien principles that make comparisons rather easy. But really Blade’s shares only cursory affiliation with it’s more comprehensive sibling. The most notable deviation is the limitation imposed on player control.

Because of mobiles congenital simplicity, movement of your character reflects that ease of use with control condensed into a tap and move adaptation. Guided by an ethereal blue mist through a series of barely distinguishable dungeons that trails off ahead, explicitly indicating your next objective, navigation is somewhat negligible. Combat, which has hardly been the series most revered attribute functions about as well as it can considering the limitations of touch screen devices. Holding down your finger will activate a kind of pulsating circular prompt that when timed precisely will unleash the full potential of your swing. It’s hardly immersive, but its effective enough to elicit some semblance of engagement. You level up much the same way as you do in any Elder Scrolls game, gaining experience through combat, unlocking passive and more direct abilities as you go. There’s no question however that Blades, at least for a mobile game is aesthetically captivating. It’s downright gorgeous at times, with visuals that I really didn’t believe a handheld device could achieve! It’s largely bug free too, with perhaps a couple of loading issues impeding my progress. But most of us don’t really care about this. It’s sadly irrelevant when weighed against the acrimonious notoriety of loot boxes. Or in this instance, loot chests.

“A very rare moment of me receiving 2 gems at once, in a game that is particularly economical about giving premium items”.   

Most “Free to play” business models rely on premium services. Passively encouraged as a way to expedite time sensitive logistics, removing those pesky game-play intrusions. Mobiles overtly promoted monitisation that typically saturates your experience is no different here. Usually I’m one of those self righteous, morally superior twerps, perceptive of the immutable exploitation of greedy developers, that chooses to go on campaigns to spite such practices by not spending a penny. Now I don’t believe that Blades exploits player participation as virulently as other established mobile titles, but its difficult to see how you can progress without buying any premium currency, in this case gems. As you explore and complete dungeons you’ll be rewarded with chests of differing rarity. Gold, silver and bronze wooden, each with an equivalent time restriction. Wooden chests open in seconds. Silver, a much rarer derivation takes 1 hour, though during early access was an excruciating 3 hour wait! And Gold and agonising 6 hours! They each contain materials, weapons or other miscellaneous items. Play enough and you’ll soon accumulate enough chests that you can’t store anymore, unless you spend gems to increase your capacity. Now you can earn gems through natural play, though this is exceedingly rare. They can also be used to speed up chest opening times, which the game makes very easy for you to do, to the point that on several occasions I did by accident.

Blades is very punctual, even beholden in its propensity to entice you to spend money when you shouldn’t need to, that it may as well notify you with prompts that say “click here to gives us your money”. What concerns me is that a big AAA company like Bethesda might consider such mictrotransanctions as a viable commodity in their console games. That Blades may very well be an experiment to see if obvious fan vitriol has any adverse effect on a clearly dubious business model. With Bethesda’s credibility subsequently tarnished by Fallout 76, its hard to imagine how the “Elder Scrolls 6” can be released without incident. Or a slew of fettered mictrotransanctions to moderate content. I hope I’m wrong, I truly do.

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But what did you think of “Blades?”. Let me know in the comments below. Cheers.

Could “Pokemon Let’s Go” Be The Very Best?

Can you even remember what it was like to play computer games as a kid? To me it was a puerile time when fart noises were funny, games were fun and the only scrutiny they’d come under was whether or not blowing into a cartridge had any legitimate restorative effects (it did!). Positivity and fun were effortless concepts that no amount of adult pessimism could shake. Now we’ve become jaded by a cynical industry that values commerce not craft. The toxicity that pollutes our resplendent pastime has had such a profound impact that we as a community, one that continues to invest money and time to ensure the preservation of our beloved obsession can’t see when something good happens. Pokémon is the latest series to provoke that same nauseating pessimism of its fans.

I’ve had a clear, preferential and distinct perception of what a console Pokémon game should look and feel like, think “Breath Of The Wild: Gold and Silver”. Pokémon in all of its salubrious forms is a cherished childhood phenomenon. I still have an attic full of trading cards, stored in plastic sleeves in a “pog” binder. And I’ll admit that what I saw of “Let’s Go” really wasn’t what I had envisioned. Combining elements from a traditional Rpg style Pokémon game with its much slandered mobile cousin, “Pokémon Lets Go” is more of a malformed aberration than it is a competent precursor to the future trajectory of the series. This is a game no one asked for, nor even a passing fascination for players, particularly with such a diluted alteration to the traditional mechanics. Though Gamefreak have hastily clarified this isn’t a mainline entry, acting more as a remodelling of the original Pokémon Yellow, you can’t help notice that this is merely a preamble to something greater. A small tentative step onto a composite console Gamefreak themselves weren’t confident would sell. And if we’re honest it’s a smart initiative.

Pokémon Let’s Go is a clever design idea, one that eases the more casual players of “Pokémon Go” in with familiar concepts, breaching into a market that has attracted 200 million downloads to a system that encompasses the constituent versatility of portability. That ambulant freedom afforded by “Pokémon Go” cannot be underestimated nor ignored considering the broadening appeal created by it. When you consider Gamefreak’s hesitancy to commit to the Switch would you not be a little sceptical of a mainline Pokémon game being released so soon? I sure would be.

I’ve personally been very critical of the series over the years, bemoaning its sterility and stagnation. Gamefreak’s reliance on complacent sequels that their dedicated and compliant fan base will purchase without a second thought, and their reluctance to improve the game without subtracting popular functions or slightly elevating the aesthetics has really prevented me from engaging with it in any enthusiastic capacity. So for them to finally approach the brand from a different angle is commendable. It’s an assured risk in the sense that it isn’t deviating drastically from its traditional lineage, but tweaking certain game mechanics that haven’t been adjusted outside of spinoffs, which admittedly feels rather disconcerting, but exciting too.

Nintendo’s decision to expand major properties into the accessible mobile sector they had been so resistant too has turned out to be extremely resourceful for Pokémon, as well as profitable. By allowing brands like this to be moulded in different ways is advantageous for Pokémon as a whole. “Pokémon Let’s Go” promises to be a truly distinctive tangent in the Pokémon contingent, offering something uniquely defined that the franchise has desperately needed for decades! There’s every reason to be optimistic: if its well received we get more, if it isn’t, well the mainline title will be out next year anyway. It will certainly be a divisive iteration, with the potential to ostracize purists who resent the implication that anything needs to change, let alone taking influences from a derided mobile game. But this could be the swift, Hitmonlee kick up the sizeable Snorlax butt the series greatly needs!

If nothing else I’m going to buy six of those poke-ball peripherals just so I can finally live out my dream of becoming the very best, like no one ever was!

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What do you think of Pokémon Lets Go? Let me know in the comments below. Cheers.

“A Girl Adrift” Review: Drifting On A Sea Of Tranquillity.

It’s very rare for a game to evoke a sensation of serenity, especially a mobile one. That exudes a composed tranquillity with a uniquely gentle design, almost meditative in its execution, that is both equitable and expansive. What’s even more remarkable is just how compelling it is to portray an emaciated girl, clothed in ragged vestiges, evidently frayed and tarnished by the ambient exposure of the elements, skirting across a desolate ocean bereft of civilisation and even land with only a fishing rod to occupy the time and a small lantern to illuminate the way. “A Girl Adrift” is the gaming equivalent of yoga. A relaxing conciliate that nurtures the subdued thoughts often suppressed by the incessant conflicts of life that distort our minds. A Girl Adrift doesn’t simply alleviate stress, it nullifies it, culling any aggrieved influences that has driven you to the distraction of a mobile convenience. It doesn’t send constant aggrieved messages or passive intonations enquiring into where you’ve been for the past 10 minutes, like some needy teenager wondering why dinner isn’t ready yet. Nor do you have to worry about a castle being invaded while you’re away and having to replenish pillaged resources. It’s charm is in its docile simplicity.

You assume the role of an unidentified girl who drifts across a now submerged Earth. Visiting the enveloped capitals and there once distinguished sites, now just disfigured remnants piercing the water’s surface (my favourite being New Zealand where there is nothing but a patch of land and a sheep). There’s no direct conflict, no looming enmity, just a girl adrift on a raft, fishing. There are objectives to fulfill and specific locations you have to visit, but it’s never an immediate priority. Along the way you’ll encounter mini games such as a roulette wheel and an oceanic version of whack a mole that rewards you with orbs, a widely accepted currency that can be used to purchase items from merchants scattered throughout this hydrated world. These self anointed barters stock various accessories that enable particular augmentation such as increased fish spawns, additional power and speed. There are also boosters that help you navigate the continent more effectively and rewards you for regular visits. And I can assure you that you will engage a considerable proportion of your extraneous time without even realising.

There’s a mesmeric levelling system here, not because it does anything new, but because of how easy it is to do. You’ll level is determined by the experience you gain through routine fishing expeditions. The more fish you successfully catch, the more you increase your level which augments the strength of your auxiliaries (cannon, harpoon etc) as well as your own ability to reel in a fish. Because fish are so easily bated you’ll soon find that your level expands within minutes. Increasing your rank however requires you to defeat far more formidable aquatic beasts or “bosses”. It’s imperative that you maintain a high level when engaging these fiendish flounders as not only will they present a far greater challenge than the ubiquitous Cods and Mackerel, but once defeated the strength of all fish are significantly inflated. You can adjust the power of these batter dodgers by casting for a shorter period, basically holding the cast off button for less time, meaning the flounders you seize will be less resistant, allowing for less sustained button presses and potentially reducing the already great chance of provoking arthritis in later life. Its essence as a compelling mobile game however is in its pacifying temperament and tranquil isolation.

Really its more akin to meditation, like a warm bath on a cold November evening. There’s something so profoundly soothing about watching this unassuming girl coasting across a vast composite of oceans in her dilapidated raft, as you monitor your inventory with idle glances to ensure that your profitable wares aren’t overstocked, drifting from harbour to harbour without a care in the world. Complacency and indolence are some its most alluring traits that forgo the expeditious monotony of modern gaming that demands aggressive, fast paced incentives to maintain player participation. Those that prefer more administrative functionality will derive little enjoyment here. There’s so much to see and do with little demand to fulfill these duties with any immediate conviction! “A Girl Adrift” is a therapeutic Rpg, that sees fit not to coerce you on some arbitrary quest to save the world, but rather embrace it. It’s really a game of side quests. Imagine a traditional quest based Rpg, just without a mandatory world ending event. Or if you escaped incarceration in Skyrim and were told “Go ahead, you’re free now”. What you have is a gentle, simple and captivating game with gorgeous visuals that only elevate the placating modesty of drifting around a water world with just a fishing rod for company. I’m sure Kevin Costner would approve.

“A Girl Adrift” is available to download from Play Store now.

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What is your favourite mobile game? Let me know in the comments below. Cheers.

Magikarp Jump: The Catch Of The Day!

There are times when you have to question the very foundations of reality. To identify the sanity of the people around you and differentiate between the creative and mad. Can you interpret what motivates an individual to massage the udder of a cow and consume the resulting creamy excretions? Yet such inquisitive curiosity, brazen and dubious to many is now heralded as pioneering ingenuity of lactose infused sustenance. Without their visionary convictions cornflakes would be an inedible staple of breakfast consumption. Pizza would forever be compromised by latent flavours of elegantly melted cheese and tea would be forever undiluted, bringing England to its knees! No one can deny the influential significance of this curious discovery and I predict the same beguiling reverence will be attributed to “Magikarp Jump”.

I’ll admit that I was sceptical. The conceit of structuring a game, even a mobile one around Pokemon’s most worthless aquatic punching bag appears dubious. Yet here I am, training, feeding and indeed nurturing this convulsing turd into the best that ever was. Indeed much like it’s signature move, Magikarp Jump has allowed it’s namesake to make the most significant and effective Splash of its miserable existence! What a time to be alive! It was a mere 12 months ago that we were “hooked” (that is the standard and indeed “scale” of jokes I’ll be abusing today) on the much venerated Pokemon Go. Ironically this was a game that encouraged the harvesting of these ubiquitous flounders for precious candy. Now by some obscure twist of fate these dull creatures have somehow managed to breach the gaming market with its own absurd application. Upon opening the game you will find that “MJ” is really an endearing pastiche of the original canonical entries; a kid sets out on a journey to become the world’s greatest Pokemon trainer. Except here you are specifically limited to the cultivation of Magikarps. It’s an amusing homage to the game it’s inspired by, addressing the absurdity of Magikarp training as some kind of divine occupation,  bestowed upon only the most worthy adopters.
As the title indicates instead of battling them in a traditional highly questionable combat against one another, you compete in a jumping competition. It makes sense considering that a splashing contest is hardly an exhilarating spectator sport, unless its between Kat Dennings and Alexandra daddario, which fits into the games rather skewed demeanour. Upon capturing your new angling understudy, using the traditional method of fishing with 3 distinctively indistinguishable old rods it will be your responsibility to train it to its full potential. The strength, durability or level of a Magikarps potential is dependent on the nature of that specific variation and the amount of experience they’ve gained, which can be increased by competing your Magikarp in tournaments. The more you participate in leagues the better you become. The level of success or indeed failure is greatly influenced by the “Jump Power”  of your Magikarp, though some stat enhancing boosts can be initiated by your accompanying friend’s like Pikachu at the start, providing a small yet crucial benifit. You can even encourage the crowds to support you’re bumbling flounder by tapping the screen before the jump. Text will begin crossing the screen like “come on” and “We love you” from unseen audience.

“He’d better not pee in it again?!”

There are in game purchases but they really aren’t required as just playing the game will net you sufficient in game currency just through natural progressive exposure. Other Pokemon will swim by while your Magikarp rests at intervals to provide additional assistance such as food or JP experience. As they grow the Magikarps you’ve trained retire and can often be seen in the water observing the new generation like ethereal apparitions. With every generation “JP” increases making each new acquisition a much more effective competitor than it’s predecessor. The Magikarps themselves come in a variety of colours and patterns that alternate from the standard orange flounder we’re accustomed to. Catching a variety of aesthetically unique Magikarps provides an expansion to your records, allowing you to document a retinue of rare species friends may not have, with many having unique individual bonuses such as increased JP percentiles from tournaments. When not engaged in battles (a very loose interpretation) Magikarps swim merrily in a big pond that can be decorated with furnishings befitting of such a valiant pagan beast, that also enhances the effectiveness of food or training, as well as any other recruited Pokemon. The only real issue is just how little engagement is required to not only improve the Magikarps but also play the game.

“There are some riveting conversations too!”

Methods of training are only differentiated by the amount of Jp you acquire at the end, not the individuality of the games themselves. Really they are just variations of the same thing. You tap the screen rapidly and repeatedly generating enough power to push/ hit an obstacle with enough force to gain Jp points. Depending on the distance or number of hits sustained, which at times feels random will determine how much you will obtain. It’s a simple task as well as an invaluable tool in progressing, but static and largely bereft of involvement. A more engaging approach to training and contests would’ve really enhanced the quality and experience, embracing you more into the splendours lunacy of this game. Also once a training session has been concluded or a battle has been victorious you maybe confronted with a random event that can reward you with additional coins, diamonds or an increase in Jp. But be careful as they may in fact punish you for your curiosity. Investigating a strange glowing object could result in a decrease in “JP”, or worse having your Magikarp attacked by a Pidgeotto, Magikarps natural predator and forced into early retirement. Sometimes it pays to be cautious. It’s a neat if not fully realised addition that relies on pure blind chance rather than any discernible delegation and rarely deviates from the same half a dozen scenarios.

“This guy is clearly a very perceptive.”

Pokemon Go was an ambitious project that attempted to emulate the fictitious notion of capturing creatures in tiny prison spheres, by integrating it into our sophisticated world with the assistance of artificial reality, but never fully realising the potential nor limitations of this design. The beauty of this game is its simplicity. You catch a fish, feed it some food and watch it grow. It’s a glorified pet simulator that shouldn’t be nearly as compelling as it is. The game perpetuates the falsity that training these useless chip accompaniments is an auspicious career, a legacy to be admired. And that flagrant misuse of its proprietary sincerity is kind of charming. That altering the insinuation that these ineffectual creatures are in fact a most sought after species is strangely entertaining. Magikarp Jump is an endearing oddity to the already aberrant franchise. And an unexpected evolution that indicates that there is “splash” of creative affluence left.

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 No fish related puns were hurt in the making of this article.

Pewdiepies Tuber Simulator Review.

Love him, hate him, indifferent or want to smother him with an Ikea cushion, there’s no denying Pewdiepies meteoric rise to YouTube super stardom is astonishing, generating over 54 million YouTube subscribers with his own prestigious irreverence. That’s the estimated population of South Africa! Not bad for a jumpy Swedish fellow that attempts coitus with a cardboard cut-out of Ainsley Harriot – as far as my understanding of his exploits extends too anyway. The innumerable contingent of fans that continue to consume his hapless endeavours hasn’t diminished, regardless of the increasing vitriol of the media that seems to hate his unusual, yet harmless brand of humour. Extolling a censure that revels in nurturing hatred towards the upstarts of independent thought, detached from the rigorous deceit affiliated with some “bigger” publications. Though I don’t personally find much of what he has to offer especially interesting, Felix has my utmost respect for crafting a seismic empire with little more than a well positioned camera, some exaggerated facial expressions and desire to succeed in a forum (YouTube) that wasn’t even considered a legitimate business opportunity. You can’t fault him for achieving what most of us dream of. But now us muggles can experience a mere fraction of what it’s like to be a revered, highly prosperous member of the YouTube elite in “Pewdiepies Tuber Simulator”.

“This is as close to being a YouTube phenomenon that I’m ever likely to be”.

Tuber, derived from the name of the popular video streaming service – presumably because he was unable to gain the rights to the brand, because YouTube probably hates him too, simulates the challenges of being an unknown YouTube contributor that posts cat videos and increasing your fan base to become a star with millions of subscribers that posts cat videos, just in a very broad, generalised way. You begin in impoverished accommodation, with stained carpet, peeling wallpaper and a computer resting on a cardboard box. Your character, who can be customised to your own specifications – altering hair/eye colour, clothing, stuff of that nature before creating content for your Tuber channel. The goal is to accumulate views and subs so your channel can grow, rising through the rankings with some of your favourite Tubers. Views act as a sort of currency, which can be exchanged for fixtures to furnish your meager studio. The items themselves are divided into various criteria such as gaming, music, makeup, sport, home, skull? (goth? evil? Troll?) or nature orientated fixtures, which are also topics used for the basis of the videos you can publish. Purchasing just one of these utilities will only get you so far in levelling up, so it’s best to buy sequentially rather than favouring one specific type. Other than decorating the rustic surroundings, each purchased item will elevate the level of both that specific category – for instance “nature” videos – as well as the overall level of your personalised Tuber, which unlocks more extravagant items to accessorize your modest surroundings, in a manner befitting of such a renowned Tuber. Items don’t arrive immediately however as you’ll have to wait for delivery that increase in time from minutes to hours and even days depending on the cost of the package. Shipment times can be reduced by completing a mini game called “Puggle”, which features 2 alternating “Pugs” that are dropped into a pinball machine, reducing the time of a package depending on the number of targets or how many pugs they hit on the way down. It’s a little…..odd, but I’m hoping it’s a reference exclusive to Pewdiepies channel that I’m not aware of?

“Publishing videos is the most effective means of generating views and subscribers.”

Like most mobile games “Pewdiepies Tuber Simulator” is monetized, with enough advertising to fill a Michael Bay movie, yet the routinely marketed ads are actually beneficial, providing additional currency (views) or tripling the gifts left by “Eagles”. What’s that you say? What pray tell do these magnificent birds of prey have to do with YouTube?”. Quite honestly, I don’t know. I can tell you that these particular Eagles provide intermittent incentives, distributing aerial services by sporadically gliding over your domicile with packages. Tap on them before they fly off and you’ll claim the gift that contains additional views or subscribers. It’s an abstract concept, but Pewdiepie appears to be a very abstract individual. Of course the main thrust of this game is beating Pewdiepie, figuratively speaking of course and the easiest, yet most time-consuming way of doing this is creating content for your channel. This consists of choosing 2 alternate topics, say sports and makeup and simply waiting for the video to record, edited and finally providing you with the total number of views and subs that the video attracted. The amount you receive is wholly dependent on whether a particular topic is trending or not that will precipitate the amount of views and subs you get. This idol method of attracting recognition to your channel will be the most effective as well as  un-intrusive means of progression, as you can close the application to do other things while you wait. The process can be expedited by using “Bux”, a premium form of currency that can also be accessed to improve delivery times of items you’ve ordered. Researching specific boosters with “brains” can also help increase productivity for your content, with daily goals that can be completed for additional encouragement, adding extra incentives to play everyday.

I think the only real downfall with this game is the lack of competition. You don’t lose followers if you haven’t uploaded a video for weeks, meaning that your ranking among the other tubers doesn’t decrease. Competitors channels such as Pewdiepies subscribers doesn’t fluctuate either? You could be absent for weeks, even months and still retain the same number of subscribers without being penalised for your inactivity. In essence though “Pewdiepies Tuber Simulator” is the perfect mobile game, designed to be played leisurely or at your own convenience. Having existing knowledge of Pewdiepies eccentric career will certainly condition you to the smattering of inclusive jokes and references that escaped me, but aren’t necessary encouragements that will spoil the enjoyment for the unaffiliated. Like any “Freemium” mobile game it still nudges you occasionally to liberate that asphyxiated moth from your wallet and purchase “Bux” to help speed up some ponderous exercises. But thankfully you don’t have too. I was able to expand the radius of my in-game studio/residence – that can only be achieved with Bux – with a regulated supply generated by the game itself. It’s remarkably easy, so long as you have the patience and a tolerance for “Game Of War” tutorial ads. What will surprise you is just how much time you will dedicate to this game without even realising, watching with great satisfaction as your followers increase as you ascend the leaderboard above notable YouTubers such as Boogie, Smosh (ugh) and eventually, though I still haven’t achieved this, Pewdiepie himself. Much like the world’s media, I’m coming for ya. You’ve been warned!