Welcome to “small-to-medium-sized, orange lined, omnivorous mammal” news. Or “Fox” news if you failed to Google the scientific clarification that its derived from. I’m John “I’m always right……..wing” Bigot. Later in the show we will be discussing how you can dispose of your Afghan neighbour without the authorities or forensics ascertaining the mutilated cadaver, and whether your family pet has been converted to Islam and is in collusion with the deceased apparition of Osama Bin Laden, via a medium. But first we head live to an illiterate nob in a suite, talking bullocks…..
“Ladies and Gentleman, today I’ll present to you the foul, odious inflections of gaming’s fascist regime. Can you see the once plush fertility of these crops, the decorative foliate of its venerable cultivation? The once auspicious harvest ruffled by the delicate provocation wind? No? Because its gone. Withered, expired. That’s gaming! Can you hear the distorted cadence of malnourished children, a contraction of shrieks and guttural abdication for life, as their denied the sustenance they so urgently require? That’s gaming! Can you smell the putrid decay emitting from the rotund individual beside you, that hasn’t bathed since acquiring World of Warcraft? You’d better believe that’s gaming! Computer games, video games, interactive stories, whatever your preferred connotation is, they are systematically eradicating this world. This isn’t simply an expression of derision or divulging circumstantial evidence to support my accusations that advocate my protestations through duplicitous libel. Oh no! I have constructed a detailed examination of its cultural influence, its conniving infiltration of society and the grave repercussions it has. You don’t believe me? Confirmation of this allegation can be found in our own front yards!
Children who have come in direct contact with these “harmless” recreational activities are imitating the imagery they see on-screen, with morally ambivalent consequences. For instance one child has been documented suffering from acute “misoGTAism”, where the subject is inclined to reject the evening mandate his parents negotiated, whereby he retires to bed at a reasonable hour ready for school the next day. Yet since turnings 13, heading in to puberty as well as all the encroaching directives that occur at this sensitive time in adolescence. His shifting behaviour in which he endeavours to remain awake way past 9 O’clock listening to Heavy Metal, his proclivity for instigating aggressive confrontations with his father and drinking lattes are all systematic afflictions credited to a singular inclination: GTA! This incident clearly indicates a distinct correlation between his abusive conduct and the games influence to besmirch an innocent child. This has been scientifically verified by scientists with white, sciencey coats that conducted scientific tests, with beakers and Bunsen burners that have 2 settings! But even without this confirmation, what other reasonable surmise could be derived from such events?
You think War is political? No, no. The concept of war, or even the idea of physically assaulting another human being for the purposes of personal dividends didn’t exist before the introduction of Call Of Duty! You think its religious interpretation or humanitarian coercion? Please! Such convenient falsities are inventions of the media and there growing affiliation with publishers, which only further compounds the tyrannous guilt of a corruptible industry and its profound sense of moral desecration. Marital infidelity has risen steadily year on year since the introduction of the Gameboy. Diabetes has increased tenfold due to the popularity of candy crush, with health in steady declination due to gaming in general. Obesity itself didn’t even manifest until the release of the SEGA Megadrive! Alcoholism and incidences involving intoxication have risen sharply over the past 30 years by over a hundred billion, trillion, gazillion percent. And in researching gaming’s vile historical enmity, may I also preclude that Sony was established and founded by Jack The Ripper, merely to exploit the fragility of youths and the vulnerability of prostitutes. There is a sordid fable allotted to almost every game conceived, with the exemption of Nintendogs (my favourite) and Battlefield 4, my son loves that game.
These reprehensible acts have never been publicly disclosed, until now, for the deliberate reason that the industry has conducted itself with such subtlety that only the most self informed, persistently observant, analytical and lonesome busybody could have unearthed the subliminal undertones that pervert the minds of those that play them. The nefarious plans indicated in this dossier that I have maliciously embellished and fabricated, details pertinent to the aristocratical ignorance of authority, prove conclusively the adverse influence these types of heretical amusements have on the complicit minds of youths. I believe the evidence I’ve presented in this report adjuncts my posited recommendations and that necessary precautions have to be implemented to prevent further contamination from the insidious substance called gaming. For I assure you that this is no mere game I’m playing. Thank you.”
Well, that consisted of some frankly startling material that certainly absolves her past employment, as a rodeo clown. And her credentials and prestigious scholarship from “Ronald MacDonald’s University” speak for themselves. After the break we will discover who will be the leading candidate to be elected head of the Republican party, by locking a terrier in a kennel and see which applicants picture it poops on first. Only on Fox news!