Let me present to you, the dedicated consumer the future of game consoles. After the great console war that resulted in destruction of thousands of bytes and unnerved some kittens, thus propagating the hesitant coalition between the now defunct precursors of Microsoft and Sony you all thought the future of games consoles was through. But out of the errant flames of conflict comes a new institution known as “Microny”, the amalgamated composite of both these former development giants. With their combined utilities, a collaborative merger of their respective resources and properties they have successfully forged a games console inside the fiery chasm of Mount doom, creating the one true console. You shall not season pass! Presenting the Xstation! Wait, no. No that sounds like a late night adult channel. *Clears throat* presenting the PlayBox! Yeah, that’s much better. With components harnessed from the vestiges of PC’s that didn’t try to enslave humanity, crafted from the tempered alloys of fictitious compounds such as adamantium, we at Microny have formalised a device so powerful that it’s equipped with its own supply of plutonium, simply to generate the necessary 1.21 Gigawatt’s required to power a processor with the substantial power of 2 annoyed gorillas.
In development since Manchester Utd declared peace with City and Ant murdered Dec, the PlayBox is a composite beast which endeavours to finally derive a worthwhile exclusive between them, including but not limited to the plageries of its own back catalogue and placating it’s combined corporate arrogance and scurrilous activities. Dedicated exclusivity is now notarised by a team consisting of some of the greatest assembled minds from EA and Ubisoft. Sorry typo there. I mean everyone with the exemption of these two developers/publishers, under the guiding tutelage of Hideo Kojima and the reanimated genius of CEO Satoru Iwata. *receives rousing cheers from its audience* OK, thank you settle down now. The device itself is fitted with ornate, stylised hinges that allow it to be folded into the size of an ants bathtub for practical storage and easily transported. It can be calibrated to your specific preferences, as well as monitor your neurological output to determine what games elicit the most fun and formatting detailed analysis on what titles provide similar stimuli. We have finally provided the most requested operational implementation too: a functionality that helps produce beer and bacon for sustained durations of gaming. The control scheme has also been drastically altered to accommodate the growing male teenage gamer and is now controlled by your genitals. The “Joystick” provides a more reactive and responsive physicality to your gaming with only the slightest erectile gesticulation. The “PlayBox” comes with additional features such as being waterproof to prevent damage whilst playing in the bath or deep-sea diving. It’s even been fitted with a built-in cellular utility that allows it to phone your respective workplace and inform them of your absence from your contracted duties, with a succinct and believable story to prevent deserved dismissal from your job. It even performs some domestic duties you should otherwise be engaged in.
Distribution of this console will begin immediately and will be offered at a complimentary price of, well for free! Because we love you guys very much.
What additional features would you like to see added to a console? Let me know in the comments. Cheers.
As I recline into the consolidating embrace of a stain resistant sofa that is seemingly laced with as much protective veneer as Twitch’s security and an upholstery preservative that is as effective as spraying concentrated honey repellent onto a flower to deter bees, I wave gestural salutations to the kindred remittance of work, declaring its association severed for another week. I solemnly curse the arduous persistence of verticality that ironically lulls me into meditative convalescence. Tilting my head passively to my right I peer curiously out of the window observing the fluttering breeze gently caressing the growing foliage in a thereby elm tree that endeavours to reach the turquoise canopy that envelopes us all, draped in the celestial virility of its autumnal surroundings. I begin musing the sophistry of life’s incessant purgatory. Why are we here? Why does mankind possess such malevolent discrimination? Why do little balls of fluff continue to gather in the crevice of my belly button? Then I remember that this article is supposed to consist of gaming substance, so I instead berate everyone that has purchased “BloodBorne”. I hate you all, I truly do!
“Oh wow. This is the greatest game ever!” “You won’t play a better game this year.” ” I haven’t masturbated over anything this much since I downloaded those suggestive pictures of Jennifer Lawrence!” Shut up! I can now verify a theoretical observance that has long been considered flippant conjecture and I certainly intend to submit a dissertation to the appropriate academic evaluators for official confirmation. You see there is a composite link between my prophesied ordinances and a games quality. I don’t own BloodBorne, but I know its good. How do I know this? Because I didn’t pre-order it! Do you know what games I’ve pre-ordered over the past 12 months? Watchdogs. Destiny. The Order: 1886. Yeah, I know. Great right? One of my favourite games of last year “Shadow of Mordor” I had dismissed offhand as being some generic cash in and as such didn’t pre-order, but it wasn’t. Perhaps its simply a coincidental infirmary, just a terrible case of bad luck. But now BloodBorne has confirmed my suspicions; that any game I don’t pre-order will be great. I’m not happy with its success, I’m spiteful of its emulating critical prominence. Between the economical commerce and decrepitude of available quality afforded by the industries myopic tendency for distributing proverbial feast or famine, there is a smattering of essential titles scattered in between. And rest assured that I will be the individual that purchases the wrong title. In this instance, straddling the commendation for a game that doesn’t coddle the player with narrated credulity that is the antithetical contrast for most contemporary games has been wholly justified. But the first time I ignore the hyperbolic approbation that ushers it in to commercial mainstream, it actually does deserves it.
I’m angry. When I’m angry I sulk. When I sulk, I eat chocolate. But that isn’t any of your concern, but my doctors when I slip into a diabetic coma and he has to amputate my foot! And it won’t be my errancy that’s to blame. No, its your fault for buying BloodBorne. Damn you all!
I’ve composed a little bit of a prolonged video here (sorry!). One that is padded with speculative prejudice, emphatic neutrality, hypocritical summations, posited nonsense and contradictory ramblings so monotonous your wonder why you aren’t watching videos of cats falling off things! There were numerable, divisive contentions I felt I needed to address vocally, with the visual imagery of the game utilised for assistance, rather than transcribing my views into an odious account that not even I could be bothered to read. I’d advice you watch this with suitable beverage to numb the protraction’s of my surmises. Best of luck.
1 minute- Drowning? That’s a good way to start! Glub glub!
2 mins- This guy must have some serious water retention.
4 mins- Wow, this truly is a great looking film.
6 mins- No need for a tutorial kind sir. I know a QTE when I see one!
7 mins- Feeling suitably emasculated by the hirsute pronouncement of the orders congregation.
10 mins- OK, not that way then.
13 mins- Yeah that’s definitely a werewolf. Or my grandmother?
14 mins- Mutton chops ahoy!
16 mins- Oh great. Implementing more convoluted QTE’s. Why not just make a game? There’s an idea.
17 mins- Initiate QTE struggle cuddle.
19 mins- Starting to show my age when pursuers shout “up on the roof”, and my first thought is Robson and Jerome.
21 mins- The Order 1886 titles? Damn that was short!
23 mins- Wow, this movie let’s you control the character?! What a novelty.
25 mins- Character has no reflection? I call vampire! Or absent rendering.
27 mins- Misread “phonograph” as “pornagraph”. Tee hee!
28 mins- Strange how Victorian London also reflects the modern-day capitals miserable ambiance.
30 mins- I believe they maybe boning.
32 mins- This kitten has claws!
34 mins- Man this game just keeps going!
37 mins- Considering I’m a knight, I’m pretty amoral.
39 mins- Not sure what’s more of a challenge; the enemies or the controls?
41 mins- I must be half way through by now?
44 mins- Picking heads off like a boss!
46 mins- Damn those no good, alcoholic, pot of gold retaining Irish!
48 mins- Either I’m impressively good, or this game is….No, let’s stick with that.
49 mins- Tea, cake and biscuits anyone!
51 mins- Damn, this is some great articulate dialogue. Would be perfect for a game!
53 mins- This is the frenchiest Frenchman that ever did French!
55 mins- Sorry, could you repeat that. Escaped patients?! Well I’m going this way then….
57 mins- Someone’s been playing Uncharted?
60 mins- Cool, Werewolves! Sorry, Lycans.
61 mins- Wow! I’m dead.
63 mins- Teach those hairy beasts a lesson.
64 mins- Cool, a light-sabre gun!
68 mins- Self appointed knights that don’t relinquish authority to bureaucracy. But rather borrow dialogue from various Sherlock Holmes novels. An elementary deduction I think your agree. *Smokes pipe*
70 mins- We even have a round table.
Chapter 2 literally consisted of cinematic, short constitutional and another cinematic. Huh?!
So far, not so bad. Certainly retains some systemic issues and pacing problems, but I’d largely contest the incredible acrimonious vehemence this game has so far received. Still a long way to go yet……I hope.
What did you think of The Order: 1886? Let me know your thoughts. Cheers.
Typically from this ever progressive state of transition for consoles, viability for the current generation of content recedes. Gamers are inclined to consolidate those precious and scarcely accumulated funds, to secure their future tidings and maintain fortification of any current generation content. We are all acutely aware of the accelerating cost of possessing the enriching extravagance of a PS4 or Xbox One, so we hit pause, wait patiently reclining with ignorant visibility, with foresight honed to precision and limited deviation from it. The minimal expenditures become incidental possessions, only conducive to dwindling your meticulous, extracted reserve further, so any announcements regarding current gen content has irrelevant, almost abrasive significance. Of course accommodating such narrow perspective so finely tuned on one distant possession, your abstract tenacity and abusive derision can delegate your view on the most relevant of announcements, as it almost did me. My reticle’s were so keenly centralised on the future that I almost disregarded the present, confining it to exploratory forensics for appraisal. But beyond even my own hallucinogenic proclamations, I could not have expected an HD release of Tales Of Symphonia.
What is the significance of this secluded, Final Fantasy aspirant I hear you yawn with apathetic negligence? Well Tales, other than a detailed grammatical nightmare for spell check is somewhat of an annual institution for me. Every year I an itch emerges, it begins subtlety after an eloquent period of amnesty, a faint though incessant irritation that becomes a congenital infliction, an afflicting need to cultivate my Tales need. It manifests in exploratory fashion until finally coercing every facet of sanity still in my possession, into once again brushing aside the culminated dust particles that contemptuously blankets my Gamecube like a refuse duvet (yes I own a non-Sony specific console) and enter the deprived, flourishing world of Sylverant. For those of you unaccustomed to this misrepresented game, allow me to clarify, elaborate and embellish its distinction. Originally released for the Gamecube, Tales of Symphonia tells the story of a chosen one, ordained with the responsibility to salvage the world of Sylvarant from destruction. Its expiring, and the mana (an ambiguous element, more integral to the preservation of the world than both water and oxygen) that protects the vast, habited continent is depleting. Yes it exasperate’s the standard, formulaic presentation, with suitably derivative cast of adolescents so contrived of personality or even humanization, coupled with segregated, ethnic racism, sorcery, generic sword wielding goons, clumsy static animation, elongated and conceited column called the “tower of salvation” and an exploratory environment; Tales of Symphonia is hardly innovative. But as the story progresses, the characters and narration become more complex, with moments of ethical intrigue, progressively dynamic cast who become less abhorrent, with reticulate decisions that actually have a repercussions for who characters associate with on an emotionally sophisticated level.
And if the thought of control over characters betrothal isn’t your medium, then the utterly compulsive battle mechanics are what truly magnify the series. It’s simplistic, with combative configuration that feels intuitive despite merely requiring persistent button bashing, appropriately timed blocking and intuitive manoeuvrability, as you build up combo’s with friends to smite enemies. It’s singularly the most valuable, refreshing experience ever consorted with an RPG. Whether your Lloyd Irving brandishing dual katanas, slicing effortlessly through enemies or utilising the well documented, provocative grandeur of…a ball and cup–which is a real weapon I can assure you, the usually tedious exercise of advancing your level to capably oppose with an upcoming boss is flattering, and more importantly fun. Listen to me gush, the point is that Tales of Symphonia and it’s rather less defined sequel “Dawn of a New World” will be released in high-definition, exclusively for the PS3. Now I just have to hope that irritation doesn’t flare up before?…..oh?..*scratches shoulder*…oh no!
Have you played any of the Tales Games? If not why? Please leave your excuses here. Cheers.