My initial intention, was to offer a more positive account of video games that have been adapted for the film industry, to devise a list of titles that have been thoughtfully crafted and reimagined onto celluloid, to gift gamers and movie fans alike, a more balanced and fairer assessment of the often misguided transition….but after much research and a horribly vivid, Uwe Boll inspired nightmare (see #5), it became increasingly apparent that this noble notion was more in hope than in expectation. So I have painstakingly, re-watched, reassessed and at times regurgitated, all the gaming movie shocker’s that I’m ashamed to admit I own, at great risk to my own sanity, so you don’t have to. Trust me, you really don’t want to! *shivers*
1. Resident Evil.
“A rose by any other name” is a phrase that does tend to gnaw at me like some persistently ravenous, villager, when I recall this shamefully adapted horror behemoth, but is not a definition that I feel really bares much relevance to this misguided, monstrosity. Resident Evil wouldn’t have been a bad film, if it wasnt for the painful fact, that its called Resident Evil. If it were named “Zombie infestation” or even “Zombies, guns, rubbish monsters and even worse acting” I could have accepted that, it would have sufficed, it would have been accurate! But with the Resident Evil name attached, you couldn’t help feeling overwhelmingly, disappointed. The first Resi movie wasn’t the worst in a very lacklustre series, but this was where it should’ve been shot, dismembered, burnt, whatever, and left well alone. Now with a fifth lumbering its way into cinemas, I cant help but shed a mournful tear for what could have transpired, instead of movies that would be over in under 20 mins, if they resisted the temptation to stop slowing down every conceivable scene!!!
2. Super Mario Brothers
This trailer tells you everything you need to know……I cant stop laughing!
3. Max Payne
Why Rockstar, why. It’s truly misguided, with vague similarities with the games original concept. There are many elements that make Max Payne such a catastrophe, the needless, overused CGI, the one-dimensional characters, the fact that Max Payne is an obvious Jason Bourne knockoff, and a truly awful narrative that plodded along at a similar speed of Justin Cronin’s “The Passage”. It made you not care that his wife and daughter were brutally murdered. Not a mistake Rockstar will repeat, hopefully?
Do you remember when you were a kid, and you sat there, blasting all the hellish demons, and gleefully sent them straight back to, well, hell?! As you watched in helpless anguish, when blood began dripping from the eyes and nostrils of the face of your character, as you hurriedly searched for a blue keycard, ammo and your mummy, and thought to yourself “Man, this would make a great movie?”. No, me neither. I can only assume that this was some rogue Cacodemons idea of a hilarious joke. Well I guess it worked? It was funny.
5. Alone In The Dark
Is it the fact that Uwe Boll’s direction abilities, makes Michael Bay seem like Coppola? Is it the shameful acting, writing, directing, CGI that’s so heinous, that you would rather asphyxiate in your own urine than watch Alone In The Dark again? Or is just the reality that Tara Reid plays a *snigger* archeologist. It’s just another one of life’s great mysteries, like why does my female neighbour bear an uncanny resemblance to Mick Jagger? Alone In The Dark failed to adhere to the games style, story and enjoyment and essentially transformed into cinematic excrement, and the definitive reason why video game adaptations, just don’t work.
Let me know what would make your top 5 list.