Be Careful While Playing Pokemon Go.

This is a cautionary tale concerning the dangers of Pokemon, ignorance and general human stupidity.

“You’re mine now!” Having tracked it to my local park I knew it could be anywhere. It was a clear and humid day so the hustle and bustle of congested human activity was erratic, with many strolling along the river nonchalantly seeking refuge from the midday sun, to bask in rejuvenating convalescence. The river, glistening with nurturing hydration appeared to be the source of its sudden, though fluctuating residency. I had pursued it this far, it’s monochromatic silhouette confirmed that I was close. Considering my latent Jesus abilities I decided to continue fortifying my position on land rather than crossing into the centre of the river. Maintaining a cautious pace, knowing how long it had been confounding me I was dubious of its familiarity and readily aware that it could allude me yet again. Then suddenly, like an erection in spandex it appeared; Dratini! My perseverance had paid off. I had made sure to formulate a contingency for any formalities. I was fully stocked with Pokeballs, Razz Berries and enough determination to rally a small team of disgruntled shop assistants against their malevolent oppressors. Appearing behind me (clever girl!) I engaged, fully prepared for any eventuality. In my mind it was an epic, kinetic battle between two fierce competitors. In reality it was a nearly 30 year old man leaning against a tree, with a vacant nonplussed expression flicking his finger at a touchscreen. Periodically I asserted my dominance over this elusive beast as it finally succumbed to the onslaught of my balls….What I meant is that I beat it with my balls…..you know what, never mind. I caught it! Throughout the campaign I was maintaining the perception that I was just casually venturing through the park, using my phone for writing poetry or haiku’s. But people knew. Probably because they were similarly engaged in their own personal battles. Words needn’t be spoken between trainers. There is just a knowing, gestural glance such as a nod that is required to declare you’re intentions. A recognition reached with mere eye contact.

After the nuanced pleasantries had been exchanged with a random passerby and a subtle fist pump delivered to indicate that I had finally snared the exotic beast Dratini, I decided that further localised reconnaissance was required to ascertain the existence of any other clandestine inhabitants in the area. Pokemon I mean, not Polish immigrants. (Thanks Brexit for making me have to clarify that!) During my brisk walk past two additional pokestops, having been broached by a number of ancillary pokemon like Pidegey and Rattata that deserve to die a peasants death, I figured that the area had been exhausted of its rarer species and I endeavoured to branch off in search of more supplies. But just as I had accepted the depletion of the habitat an Onix appeared “near by”. I had to have it! It may not be the most coveted creature, but it would make a fine contribution to my team. I searched furiously. Every time I thought I had it in my sights the “near by” function prompted me that I had gone too far. I just couldn’t isolate it’s location. It was so frustrating! And then when all hope was lost, it happened. Without warning……I walked straight into a tree! Not with any subtlety either. It was so direct, so shocking that I actually let out a discernible “oof?!” as I walked into it. Foiled by foliage. And with that the Onix that I had been chasing with fervent ambition for approximately 30 mins was gone, as was any sliver of remaining dignity I retained since downloading Pokemon Go in the first place. Life, even virtual ones it seems are full of obstacles, reminders and distractions designed to clarify just how tragic and typically stupid humanity is capable of being. Especially when it involves mobile phones.

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Have you had any accidents while playing Pokemon Go? Let me know in the comments below. Cheers.