This is a cautionary tale concerning the dangers of Pokemon, ignorance and general human stupidity.
“You’re mine now!” Having tracked it to my local park I knew it could be anywhere. It was a clear and humid day so the hustle and bustle of congested human activity was erratic, with many strolling along the river nonchalantly seeking refuge from the midday sun, to bask in rejuvenating convalescence. The river, glistening with nurturing hydration appeared to be the source of its sudden, though fluctuating residency. I had pursued it this far, it’s monochromatic silhouette confirmed that I was close. Considering my latent Jesus abilities I decided to continue fortifying my position on land rather than crossing into the centre of the river. Maintaining a cautious pace, knowing how long it had been confounding me I was dubious of its familiarity and readily aware that it could allude me yet again. Then suddenly, like an erection in spandex it appeared; Dratini! My perseverance had paid off. I had made sure to formulate a contingency for any formalities. I was fully stocked with Pokeballs, Razz Berries and enough determination to rally a small team of disgruntled shop assistants against their malevolent oppressors. Appearing behind me (clever girl!) I engaged, fully prepared for any eventuality. In my mind it was an epic, kinetic battle between two fierce competitors. In reality it was a nearly 30 year old man leaning against a tree, with a vacant nonplussed expression flicking his finger at a touchscreen. Periodically I asserted my dominance over this elusive beast as it finally succumbed to the onslaught of my balls….What I meant is that I beat it with my balls…..you know what, never mind. I caught it! Throughout the campaign I was maintaining the perception that I was just casually venturing through the park, using my phone for writing poetry or haiku’s. But people knew. Probably because they were similarly engaged in their own personal battles. Words needn’t be spoken between trainers. There is just a knowing, gestural glance such as a nod that is required to declare you’re intentions. A recognition reached with mere eye contact.
After the nuanced pleasantries had been exchanged with a random passerby and a subtle fist pump delivered to indicate that I had finally snared the exotic beast Dratini, I decided that further localised reconnaissance was required to ascertain the existence of any other clandestine inhabitants in the area. Pokemon I mean, not Polish immigrants. (Thanks Brexit for making me have to clarify that!) During my brisk walk past two additional pokestops, having been broached by a number of ancillary pokemon like Pidegey and Rattata that deserve to die a peasants death, I figured that the area had been exhausted of its rarer species and I endeavoured to branch off in search of more supplies. But just as I had accepted the depletion of the habitat an Onix appeared “near by”. I had to have it! It may not be the most coveted creature, but it would make a fine contribution to my team. I searched furiously. Every time I thought I had it in my sights the “near by” function prompted me that I had gone too far. I just couldn’t isolate it’s location. It was so frustrating! And then when all hope was lost, it happened. Without warning……I walked straight into a tree! Not with any subtlety either. It was so direct, so shocking that I actually let out a discernible “oof?!” as I walked into it. Foiled by foliage. And with that the Onix that I had been chasing with fervent ambition for approximately 30 mins was gone, as was any sliver of remaining dignity I retained since downloading Pokemon Go in the first place. Life, even virtual ones it seems are full of obstacles, reminders and distractions designed to clarify just how tragic and typically stupid humanity is capable of being. Especially when it involves mobile phones.
Have you had any accidents while playing Pokemon Go? Let me know in the comments below. Cheers.
Many heretics, religious acolytes, media outlets and indeed that guy at work that is always a little too insistent on touching my arm inappropriately have prophesied that this is the end of days. The end of civilisation as we know it. A momentous time in human industry where the time for repent is it hand, and they maybe right. Pokemon Go may very well have doomed the world to eternal damnation and accidental river wading as rumours persist that the potential Skynet of interactive gaming may contain Pokemon with localised exclusivity. Despite the splendorous potential of capturing a menagerie of erratically displaced critters in you’re local area, some may have been locked into specific continents, reputedly to assuage the number of obtainable Pokemon at such an early stage. Now I’m sure that this is all just a ruse to contort the fact that many Pokemon are rarer than Wayne Rooney not trying to make friends with a cabbage. But the idea of discrete continental viability is a concerning formality. I mean let’s face it, Nintendo were always going to restrict access to all 151 Pokemon species just for the benefit of increased monetisation. They want you to keep playing regardless of whether it’s inherently possible to catch them all yet, and as long as they can maintain the illusion that Rattatas will eventually be dispersed and replaced by less rabid creatures, your always going to need to be supplied with ample pokeballs, incense and other amenities to fund you’re excursions. Connectivity is crucial to its success, so encouraging you to buy more items with you’re own money is to be expected. But I do take objection to the imposed limitations relating to the location sensitivity Pokemon that has been touted. Apparently according to some sites (again conjecture) it’s purported that Taurus can only be caught in North America. The registered sex offender Mr Mime is exclusively located in Europe (not sure if this excludes the UK yet?) Kangaskhan is only available in Australia. And the one Pokemon I’ve specifically requested that I want to catch, the unequivocal god among lesser pocket monsters, the only Pokemon I’ve stated I wanted over all others is only available in Japan. The myth, the legend. The walking duck cuisine Farfetched can only be caught in Japan?! (refer to the image below for the range of Pokemon’s “apparent” availability).
Now through my investigatory sleuthing and extensive research, that equates to brief glimpses at articles in the first section of Google search engine has informed me that there is an element of truth to it. Though not specifically exclusive to their respective regions, they are however much more difficult to come by. Hatching 10km eggs appears to be the most effective way of obtaining these rarities, irrespective of what country you are from. So even though they can be secured in a fashion, it’s not the same as capturing one yourself. Being able to track down Farfetched…..s? was always my most compelling reason for downloading Pokemon Go. I wanted the excitement of seeing that vague silhouette nearby and hunting it down like a hungry lion. Trying to isolate it’s location, even if I have to track it into a neighbours back garden. Region locked Pokemon isn’t the first instance of fan speculation. We’ve already been inundated with highly dubious claims that MewTwo may in fact be excluded from areas outside of area 51. Now I don’t believe that you’ll have to scale Everest to snare Articuno or fly into outer space to acquire Mew (and let’s face it, you’d probably still be knee deep in Pidgeys before you even got a glimpse!) but the idea of area specific Pokemon, though fundamentally problematic does lend itself well to the notion of having to travel to register rare species into you’re pokedex. There are many potential innovations that could yet be applied to Pokemon Go and the introduction of legendary Pokemon like MewTwo, Zapdos and of course Farfetched may yet be the start of something truly defining. Perhaps even an innovation such as functioning servers. Could you imagine. What a time to be alive!
Have you played Pokemon Go? How much do you miss you’re life now that you’ve become a full fledged Pokemon Trainer? Let me know in the comments below. Cheers.
“I have no idea what I’m doing?…..” Is a phrase I’ve often uttered when under intense public scrutiny. When I’m chastised for my lack of motivation and direction in life. When I walk all the way down stairs, open the fridge door, gaze wistfully at the illuminated contents and wonder what the hell I was doing there, when I actually needed to pee? And also when I’m trying to negotiate my way through decrepit house, in an undisclosed location which is as brightly lite as a hippos ass! Yes this is part 2 of my disastrous play-through of the “Resident Evil VII ” demo. I spend the majority of it lost, despite having already been shown where to go. I can only apologise for the neglectful dereliction of my duties when it comes to providing thought provoking content and communication. Both will hopefully be amended soon. Until then check out the conclusion of Resident Evil VII and just remember “I have no idea what I’m doing!”
Shh! I’m hunting Pokemon. And what a glorious day for it. The Beedrils are gathering pollen, the Pidgeys are trying to have sex with them, as far as my understanding goes. Yes a fine day to apply some shrewd, wile stewardship and provide advanced tuition to my assembled team with the utmost diligence and considerate nurturing, constructing a competitive Pokemon team that can defeat any opponent. I value each and every one of you with equal neutrality. Except for you Mr Mime you paedophile! Yes Pokemon catching has never been more enveloping, or at least I assume it hasn’t as it has yet to be released here in the UK yet. When bugs, server intrusions or indeed total server congestion prevents a game from functioning even in a limited capacity that’s usually a sign that the game probably wasn’t ready to be released in the first place. “Pokemon Go’s” augmented reality–that enables users to capture Pokemon in the real world using GPS location to identify potential creatures appears to of prevented any expedient Pokemon capturing beyond momentary lapses of functionality, that grant users mere excerpts of its full poetic potential. Being a UK resident however has meant I can neither confirm nor deny just how good or bad Pokemon Go is at present, as it’s release has been delayed in this region to coincide with the somehow unexpected popularity internationally that has crippled it’s servers. I realise there are systemic workarounds that allow users here in the UK to participate in all the hilarity of catching Pidgeys on lap-dancers, Sandshrews in police departments and being guided to dead bodies, but I’m waiting for an official release, that’s hopefully free of many of the fluctuating maladies currently afflicting it’s functionality. It’s delayed release has allowed me time to consider how I’m actually going to play Pokemon Go with the sane fervent determination I had previously hoped.
“Who knew Pidgey was such a pervert?”
Now it’s only just occurred to me just how limited my applications are going to be with this featured connectivity. You see my data, when not connected to a recognised WiFi server is going to get eaten quicker than melting chocolate in Marlon Brando’s hand. Any interactions I have away from connected WiFi are going to be brief, essentially negating the conceptual spontaneity of the game. The location specific dynamic is a fundamental principle that allows a diversified system of capturing Pokemon as you have to travel to accumulate a wide range of differing Pokemon. Moderate consumption of my data is largely due to frequent interactions with apps, YouTube and general Internet searches, so any additional utilisation such as this will only intensify my prohibitions, not to mention cripple my battery! I blame 4g, the data sucking harpy! Vines, gifs and other short videos consume so much data, even with short momentary glances. I’m constantly forced to turn off my mobile data to conserve every kb from any ambient data usage. How can I conceivably become the very best when I’m restricted by data allowance? The emphasis on physical exploration is admirable yet impractical for someone such as myself whose data could be consumed within a day. But I guess until I’ve actually played it (hopefully soon!) these potential hindrances affiliated with modern gaming will remain hypothetical’s grievances. Yet consumer retention is going to be vast. So if you walk past someone that suddenly turns their cap back to front, be prepared for a battle.
Literally as I finished drafting this series of agitations Pokemon Go was released right here in the UK. Perhaps I should draft things like this a little quicker next time?
I like glitches. I admire the purity of them. Not the game breaking ones, more the extravagant demonstrations of ignorance from developers. The ones that have footballers colliding on the pitch, clasping one another in an uncomfortable embrace and kissing. The sort where Ethan yells “SHAUN”! inexplicably during conversations in Heavy Rain or a hockey player collapses onto an opposition player, sticking his arm up his butt and anally pounding him like Mike Tyson kneading bread! Seriously check that one out it’s hysterical! They don’t necessarily represent the overall quality of the product nor do they detract from the immersion; they are simply a gentle reminder that you are playing a game crafted by living, fallible people. It’s the unpredictable spontaneity associated with them that I like too. That at any moment, without warning a levitating fish will come hurtling towards you like a coked up student at a Doritos factory. It’s surprisingly difficult to anticipate instances such as these, so imagine my surprise when such an incident occurred?! Believe me, I’ll be much more cautious in everyday life now! Check out the clip below to see more.
What is you’re favourite glitch? Let me know in the comments below. Cheers.