Let me present to you, the dedicated consumer the future of game consoles. After the great console war that resulted in destruction of thousands of bytes and unnerved some kittens, thus propagating the hesitant coalition between the now defunct precursors of Microsoft and Sony you all thought the future of games consoles was through. But out of the errant flames of conflict comes a new institution known as “Microny”, the amalgamated composite of both these former development giants. With their combined utilities, a collaborative merger of their respective resources and properties they have successfully forged a games console inside the fiery chasm of Mount doom, creating the one true console. You shall not season pass! Presenting the Xstation! Wait, no. No that sounds like a late night adult channel. *Clears throat* presenting the PlayBox! Yeah, that’s much better. With components harnessed from the vestiges of PC’s that didn’t try to enslave humanity, crafted from the tempered alloys of fictitious compounds such as adamantium, we at Microny have formalised a device so powerful that it’s equipped with its own supply of plutonium, simply to generate the necessary 1.21 Gigawatt’s required to power a processor with the substantial power of 2 annoyed gorillas.
In development since Manchester Utd declared peace with City and Ant murdered Dec, the PlayBox is a composite beast which endeavours to finally derive a worthwhile exclusive between them, including but not limited to the plageries of its own back catalogue and placating it’s combined corporate arrogance and scurrilous activities. Dedicated exclusivity is now notarised by a team consisting of some of the greatest assembled minds from EA and Ubisoft. Sorry typo there. I mean everyone with the exemption of these two developers/publishers, under the guiding tutelage of Hideo Kojima and the reanimated genius of CEO Satoru Iwata. *receives rousing cheers from its audience* OK, thank you settle down now. The device itself is fitted with ornate, stylised hinges that allow it to be folded into the size of an ants bathtub for practical storage and easily transported. It can be calibrated to your specific preferences, as well as monitor your neurological output to determine what games elicit the most fun and formatting detailed analysis on what titles provide similar stimuli. We have finally provided the most requested operational implementation too: a functionality that helps produce beer and bacon for sustained durations of gaming. The control scheme has also been drastically altered to accommodate the growing male teenage gamer and is now controlled by your genitals. The “Joystick” provides a more reactive and responsive physicality to your gaming with only the slightest erectile gesticulation. The “PlayBox” comes with additional features such as being waterproof to prevent damage whilst playing in the bath or deep-sea diving. It’s even been fitted with a built-in cellular utility that allows it to phone your respective workplace and inform them of your absence from your contracted duties, with a succinct and believable story to prevent deserved dismissal from your job. It even performs some domestic duties you should otherwise be engaged in.
Distribution of this console will begin immediately and will be offered at a complimentary price of, well for free! Because we love you guys very much.
What additional features would you like to see added to a console? Let me know in the comments. Cheers.