As a child, my parents would often recite fictional tales to whisk me off to ethereal world of dreams and make-believe (they didn’t really but go with it). Recanting the gallantry of human endeavour and the persevering rhetoric to overcome numerous adversities, irrespective of the physical or psychological impediment. A place where your most lucid imaginings become reality (sparkles, unicorns, rainbows). But amongst various, jovial fables narrated to me as an impressionable adolescent, there was one narration that has remained ardently lucid; a historical adage that speaks of subverted creatures who intentionally abstain from recreational gaming! Of course the progression of maturity has discarded these juvenile folklores as merely falsified exaggeration’s, constituted to subliminally impart some contorted, life affirming wisdom that keeps energetic kids in suspended docility through the medium of consternation. Or more accurately, scaring the crap out of you so that you behave. But these cursory tales–fabricated as they maybe–always adhere to an element of truth, and research conducted by myself and other collaborative associates, who at their discretion have decided to remain subverted intermediaries, have discovered and studied these creatures at the behest of a worldwide constabulary known as the “Console Retention And Protection” or “CRAP”, who have reported increased activity that has seen a sharp rise in their furtive visitations.
Of course the mediated, government-owned publications and the subsidiaries would have you believe that these pious “beings” are simply the eccentric prattling’s of a socially incontinent metal fan, living in South East England. No official notifications have been submitted and no written admission for their existence has been publicly substantiated, but that doesn’t mean their movements aren’t being monitored and documented by a dedicated team ready to expose these blasphemous “things”. Historians claim that these creatures were once human?! That their ideology is a reciprocal normality associated with our own. But somehow through the course of human evolution, mirth as well as vitality were somehow extrapolated from their DNA, causing extensive cellular deterioration, cognitive stagnation and complete apathy for imaginative fun. Why these once fabled and once extensively reclusive creatures have begun residing in public society, but some form of rapid, mitosis could be the mitigating factor in their flourishing visitation. They have blended in to our society so adequately that it can be difficult to differentiate them from us normal introverts, making their furtive anonymity almost impossible to verify.
They appear extroverted, seemingly indifferent to their extremely eccentric mannerisms. They have been known to frequent social habitations or attend socially affable events such as pubs and bars, with a discernible propensity to vocally communicate. With mundane dialogue and tendency for pithy retorts that regularly results in reciprocal guffaw, they are often heard conversing in a foreign dialect, with a pronounced cadence that exudes primitive imitation of misogynistic superiority, and detailing their mutual affinity for their work or professing their proclivity for fiscal consumption with phrases such as “I’m really focused on a career” and referring to some ethereal being called a Li-ife? They can often be observed wielding cellular communication devices called a “mobile”, with some facilitating much larger devices known as a tablet to compensate for their limited genitals. These highly territorial creatures can often be distinguished though by their odious demeanour and tailored suits, ordinarily affiliated by similarly monotonous retinue. Devouring raw fish and hydrating themselves with hot beverages called “Latte’s” for sustenance, with a penchant for reading publications that aren’t affiliated with technology. Though these attires and nutritional requirements aren’t necessarily, mutually exclusive, so discerning them may warrant further invasive examination. Such as bitch slapping them with copies of Uncharted and GTA V.
If confronted by one of these soulless beings, do not retaliate or attempt to converse with them, as they possess neither the intellectual capacity or humanity to understand you. They are highly infectious, irrefutably dangerous and incredibly boring. Run and don’t look back!
If you experience any of the symptoms listed above please consult a physician, or more prudently a games console.