The Elder Scrolls Online And The Moaning Imperialist Part 2

Bored of those conventional vacations to the Mediterranean? Tired of the standardised evening entertainment displayed at the hotel? Then why not vacation in Tamriel. For just a singular, one-off (repeated) monthly payment of just £8.99, you too can ascend the snow-capped mountains of Skyrim, ex-foliate your blemished skin in the therapeutic swamps of Morrowind, or simply pillage our many perishable establishments. Hire horses for all your equestrian activities, forge your own weapons for use against our many disreputable inhabitants or concoct elixirs or incantations for potent retaliations against those pesky, adolescent children. Relax at some of our most luxurious inns, with all the natural amenities expected from any dilapidated barn or shack; sculptured timber assembled with such precision that you can even observe people below you, small rooms decorated with minimalist art, exquisite porcelain filled with only the most diluted of recycled urine, elegantly weaved blankets, woven from the fur of only the most brutally mutilated calf’s. Not to mention some of the most courteous, facially expressive staff this side of British Airways, finely tuned to your every whim. Contracted a venereal disease after some amorous intimacy with a promiscuous orc or cabin wench? Then why not visit our many (some competent) witches, mages and nut jobs distributed evenly across Tamriel for all of your pharmaceutical needs or for any–purely medicinal– narcotics to enhance your time here.

“Just one of the many visually alluring cities in the Elder Scrolls Online”.

Are you a vindictive masochist that suffers from some phallic dysfunction or a perpetual form of erectile deficiency? Then we possess the remedy for your deficient extrusion’s that will imbue masculinity back into your revoked genitals; hunting! Yes with our wide array of sharp/blunt implements of decapitation at your disposal, forged by only our best blacksmiths, you too can bludgeon defenceless creatures into organic sludge. While here you can also visit our plentiful taverns, sample our delicious wares including our locally sourced beverages, brewed from only the finest hops, barley’s and bear seminal fluids for some of the most robust, though delicately palette cleansing meads that even the nine divines would endorse. While intoxicating your mind and damaging your liver, be entranced by our harmonious minstrel’s that serenade your heart with whimsical concertos and permeate the establishment with a serene ambiance, with harps and guitars secreted magically by our performers that has instantaneous sedation of its revellers and any exuding altercations. You may enjoy the splendours of Tamriel so much that you contemplate applying for permanent residency. Well come along, we accept all transients, thieves and immigrants. With spacious accommodations, a cluster of felonious deeds and wenches catering to all your carnivorous specifications and even nourish those aberrations of humanity known as vegetarians. So come on, explore a wealth of pastures, indulge in your botanical inclinations, purge your bodies in our cleansing streams and lodge your vertebra in the digestive tracts of our numerable trolls. Tamriel: Where the magic begins….and ends…..rather brutally.

“You can even visit Mt Doom. Oh wait, no, that’s the other one about burning someone’s ring. Sounds painful”.

And the purpose for this unusually pedantic exposition I hear you weeping? Well there isn’t one really, just an excuse to project further bloated reservations for an Elder Scrolls MMO. Because with the advent of such an auspicious project that is affably received by fans and that will inevitably be implemented with exemplary proficiency, will thereby eradicate the need for a single player experience, which saddens me. Of course you can marvel at the superfluous panoramic vistas with rhythmic, rotational accordance, ocelating between towns and settlements without the hindrances of synthetic aggressors, and indulge in your primary hedonistic endeavours. But balancing the pensive timidity of some and the aggravating intent of others is an irksome proposition. For me one of the most endearing aspects–despite the relative arrogance and grandeur of the environments–was the uncanny ability to immerse me into the world with intimacy, rather than interacting with the banality of extroverted inhabitants, and their potentially charismatic dominance. I fear that accumulating so many differing personalities into one world will detract or even convolute my exploratory exertions if I’m being constantly pursued by an exceptionally elevated players. If Skyrim became too much of a hindrance for your limited ability, you could simply revert the difficulty back to something more malleable. In an MMO, these same players won’t be capable of calibrating their system to accommodate their relative skill, or lack there of.

But allowing such an extensive world to manifest certainly adds additional coherency to its pervading adage. The dependency on your companions aid is evocative; with one character healing lacerations or firing incendiary magic whilst another deals the primary strikes certainly emulates a tangible, cohesive journey, with a world that should feel more independently provocative as residential humanity genuinely exert a functional life, rather than merely existing to assist you. No doubt my reservations are unfounded, and perhaps TESO will be deemed worthy of its excessive pricing (did I mentions that its £8.99 a month). Regardless of its potential, I will miss the singe player experience which made me, and ONLY me feel like the dictator of Tamriel. KNEEL BEFORE ME MINIONS! HA HA HA!…..lol.

Will this be the end of the single player, Elder Scrolls title? Or perhaps the end of single player RPG’s? Let me know your responses. Cheers