Warning; if you are susceptible to protracted sarcasm, perpetual bouts of condescension, repetitiveness, verbal deification, negligent use of asterisk, errant symbolism to things that aren’t remotely symbolic or biased renditions of platonic affinity from one “man” (emphasised) to another “MAN!” (Capitalised with an additional exclamation mark). Then what the hell are you doing here?!
Today I had decided to solicit concise and methodical comparisons between every iteration of the PS3 console, the differential blemishes associated with the Dickensian influence that blight our fair and noble industry we call gaming, discuss the misogynistic intention displayed in the GTA series, fastidiously assert my projection of consoles auxiliary impact on future generations, all with rhythmic servitude, pomposity that enduringly adorn my pretentious musings. That is until I realised that I’m not currently claiming a pension, suffering from generative infirmity or neurological impediment, or riddled with lacerations to my frontal gyrus–which as we are all aware is the part of the brain that measures and responds to jovial stimulants (I looked it up). My penitent for dramatised pragmatism is currently gripped by a sudden inflammation to my sensory memory, or more specifically my “Iconic memory” (looked that up too). But what has caused such a paralytic relinquishment of articulate proficiency? Now let me think *adopts a very Sherlockian pose* Something to do with a contemporary protagonist who “Charts” formerly “Uncharted” territories and contributes formally to the reduction of piracy’s evanescent mortality.
You may have inferred from my considerate and adequate paradigm that there has been a significant announcement made, and it isn’t Kane and Lynch 3. It’s a new Uncharted! *collapses into a foetus like position* So what can we surmise from the reticent trailer that depicts a very clandestine assumption to proposed events? Not much. The languidly circumnavigating map does suggest that we will be exploring exotic continents, excavating or perhaps pilfering rare antiquities and battling a man (possibly zombie) who seeks retribution for his 15 year burial, or perhaps this intended statement is not so literal but rather a metaphoric analogy *shrugs shoulders*. My fabricated imaginings aside, the solitary title does suggest that it may not be a direct sequel to past events, and there are already mutterings across the stratosphere that Nathan Drake may not be a prominent fixture *gasp*. Though I deem it implausible as well as unconscionable to exclude such a prominent figure so associated with a series, to which I doubt NaughtyDog would be so remiss. I would be akin to prohibiting Jack Bauer from 24. It’s safe to say that Nate will return in some capacity, whether as the main protagonist or as an auxiliary figure, either way I am very excited…..
What’s that? You recall reading a previous article called “The Last of Drake” that firmly states with full literacy my vehement aversion to another Uncharted game, which at time of publication lies adjacent to this one (no the right side, up a bit…Oh, its gone). Well your mad, mad as shortbread (which is neither bread nor short!) and you should consult a physician to diagnose your clearly deteriorating faculties. UNCHARTED UNCHARTED UNCHARTED!! *Swoon, screams, urinates, collapses, before defecating in my unconscious state*