This is an accurate account, representing my first foray into the expansive city of Los Santos and its surrounding boroughs. All of context has been deliberately sparse and vague to avoid unnecessarily divulging any specified incident before you have experienced them, with a sarcastic, melancholic perception. Events occur in real-time. (Sorry, I’ve always wanted to say that.)
7:03- I’m roused by a sense of longing, as if something is missing in my life?
7:16- I enjoy a wheat and milk conglomeration that satisfies my carnal starvation.
8:03- I attempt to portray an attentive boyfriend as I chivalrously escort my girlfriend to work.
8:23- By sheer, unintentional coincidence–with no prior motive–I discover to my genuine surprise that GTA V is available. (What are the chances?)
8:24- I begin to dance a merry jig that defies the conventions of all modern dancing influence, attracting the confused discriminative attention from all consumers.
8:31- I promptly arrive home and prepare to implement my methodically, calculated scheme.
8:40- After a brief reprieve in adjacent toilet–to which I wont elaborate on–I prepare a cup of tea as installation of the game appears to require my death to successfully implement. Hurry up!
8:47- All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy….etc, etc. Losing patience now.
8:50- I open a “family sized” pack of Bourbons to sporadically plunge into my broth. “Family pack?” let’s see about that.
8:53- Finally loaded!
9:06- Currently wondering where my damn helicopter is?!
9:10- Straight into another obligatory mission. I want to explore!
9:16- Vehicles are far more responsive and fun to drive than in Liberty City. My composed automotive expertise means I haven’t crashed once!
9:18- Erase the previous remark. Also the most efficient way to evade authoritative detection is to flip your pilfered, supercharged vehicle like a turtle. Apparently?!
9:32- Disturbed to discover that “Pure Shores” by All Saints is playing on my radio. I guess Rockstar have expanded the vindictive masochism to more auditory sense.
9:34- Still adjusting to driving on the right thanks to Sleeping Dogs influence.
9:35- Giggling like an incoherent drunk after observing a billboard advertising doughnuts with the slogan “Pick Your Ring”. It’s the little things.
9:37- Decided to test whether I could cross the tracks before a tram could hit me. I couldn’t.
9:39- Wow, follicle endowment grows instantaneously!
9:34- Satellite navigation has directed me to the wrong destination. And who criticises GTA for being an embellished, often distorted perception of reality?
9:45- My rebellious streak continues as I park my car in a space that specifies “No Parking”. I’m off the freaking chain!
9:55- Gun fights require methodical poise and more relevance on accuracy than simply abusing projectiles.
9:57- Critics argue that GTA is very masculine driven game, which could be typified by the extensive map. Because only a male could accurately interpret an inch in scale, representing the equivalent of a mile. I’m talking genitalia.
10:02- Environmental, yellow markers that pin point particular objectives appear subtlety indistinguishable during daylight.
10:13- Ah, turning right at junction that’s halted by a red light. America’s contribution to automotive conduct.
10:15- Received my first in-game text message. Alarmingly however, the vernacular of the context prevents me from fully understanding the content, dog!
10:20- “Get yo drunk derrière out of my vehicle you jester!” Being gangster has never sounded so middle class.
10:21- My clandestine descent into a gangster hoodlum is almost realised, yo!
10:23- Captivated by the typically satirical hilarity of the radio content.
10:25- “Dispatch, we have an abandoned vehicle ready for immediate transit”. Were on it like ugly on yo mamma!
10:29- Who needs to concern themselves with vehicular congestion when you’re in a simulated city that doesn’t enforce immediate, consequential retaliations for your abusive manoeuvres or ignorance to designated directions of traffic? Coming through!
10:33- Realising that GTA is an amalgamation of all its best, individual accomplishments, and simultaneously discharging almost all former impurities or conceptual indiscretions.
10:37- Discovered that I can modify my canines behaviour through an application downloaded onto my tablet or smart phone. In case you’re wondering, I am still playing GTA. Gaming, imitating life?
10:39- and in traditional disdainful fashion….I’m taking the dog for a walk.
10:41- Sticking a dog into the back of a van. Animal cruelty? No. It’s just a game.
10:54- Oh my god! I’ve briefly become the dog!
10:56- Indulging in some rather unnecessary voyeurism. As I watch my male dog copulate with another, gender specific canine. Is he confused or curious, you decide. But in either case, behaviour modification doesn’t seem so mute now.
11:15- That’s the last time I aid and protect some punctually nullified robbers.
11:16- Just cruising around town with one punctured tire, not necessary attached to my current vehicle. Yeah that’s right, I’m grinding asphalt.
11:20- A good deed done for grieving cyclist recently relieved of his bike. I retrieved the pilfered apparatus and returned it to the individual before he set off into oncoming traffic. No wonder he lost it.
11:22- Ah car jacking and nihilistic prostitution. It’s like a warm, nurturing blanket for the soul. *snuggle*
11:28- Forcing consumers to purchase cars with implied racism is an interesting bartering technique.
11:30- Currently using a phone while in transit; both illegal and immoral. Though ultimately practical.
11:34- Wandering around the court-yard of an exuberant property, bemused at how to gain access due to my irresponsible ignorance when the text informed me how to get in.
11:40- More voyeuristic endeavours now; watching with interest as a married woman and tennis coach get intimately acquainted. She clearly enjoys new balls, lots of racquet and no repercussions from her absent spouses back-hand. I’m here all week!
11:44- Turns out that brazenly sneaking into an individuals home and re-possessing his car without prior consent has its latent risks. With a gun pointed directly at my head, I cant help but feel my prior actions were slightly remiss.
11:49- Now that’s how you make an entrance.
11:52- Misogynistic masculinity certainly typifies the events.
11:54- Michael certainly lives a much more lavished existence.
11:55- Anyone for tennis?
12:07- That’s game, set and match. 6 love. And no, I’m not referring to the aforementioned tennis coach. Perverts.
Brief interlude as replenish exposited sustenance and cool my conductive console.
13:12- I’m back; replenished by a crudely constructed sandwich.
13:15- Is there a better way to start than by aggressively verbalizing your resentment for authoritative presence, with wide vocabulary of profanities?
13:18- My tumultuous exploits listed on the radio gives me an enormous sense of my own, inflated importance.
13:21- You come home and all your adolescent daughter wants to do is stand on the sofa. Kids!
13:26- There are many glaring and subtle hints that suggest that Michael is an alternative embodiment of Tommy Vercetti. *Strokes figurative beard in a quizzical fashion*
13:30- The absurdity of the depicted environment in the context of L.A, would seem unreasonably embellished in any other city.
13:32- It’s amazing how one flippant comment can lead to a cohesive and solidifying friendship. It’s so beautiful *sniff*.
13:41- Kids. If you can’t trust them not to gamble away your yacht, what can you do?
13:43- The interchangeable character swaps is such a smooth and immersive transition.
13:45- A dependant, professional and symbiotic relationship is starting to flourish.
13:47- GTA’s self-deprecating antics continue, as it pokes further fun at the culture that funds its company.
13:49- It’s comforting to know that the inhabitants are just as ignorant. Verified by the populations innocuous excuse for driving, amplified by the ineptitude of its citizens brain capacity.
13:53- The interwoven narratives make for highly motivating, character progression.
13:57- The maps initial vagueness is starting to reveal the transparent scale of the city and the surrounding area.
14:00- The Paparazzi get their own satirical depiction of the media’s discriminative vulgarity, as I’m enlisted to get a picture of a celebrities “ageing muffin”. It’s all glitz and glamour in Vinewood.
14:03- “Bloodhound in a wind-tunnel”. Just one derogatory comment used to describe this fictional celebrities facial surgery. At least I think it referred to the face?
14:08- Just undertaken a daring pursuit for pictures of celebs in compromising contortions. Gathered by Franklin straddling a motorbike, but only decides to wear a helmet after the chase has ended?
14:13- A world filtered with enigmatic principality. Sorry, I was thinking of something else there.
14:18- What a novelty; jogging improves stamina.
14:23- Just idly walking the dog, playing fetch and watching leisurely as it rips the gullet from an aggressors throat. Good boy Chop.
14:25- Nice to know I’m not the only one disrespecting the law enforcement officers.
14:27- Paramedics have arrived to provide their own evaluation on the recently shot officer laying motionless in a puddle of his own haemoglobin. And determining with a brief examination, that the victim is deceased. Keep up the good work.
14:29- I hope the recently deceased cop doesn’t mind me pilfering his artillery.
14:34- Just once I’d like someone to drive me! I can’t get any respect.
14:39- Just perusing through some artillery.
14:41- One specific part of the female anatomy is constantly referred to in slanderous tone. And they say its too masculine.
14:45- Black man portrayed as an ambitious narcotics dealer, and victim of environmental circumstance. And if that doesn’t exacerbate an already pre-existing, racial generalisation, he’s also from the hood, where’s a cap, and says “yo”.
14:48- Oh and to clarify, it’s also a set up. intervention time.
15:00- Little tip; successful evasion of the cops requires skill, panache and a big bridge to conceal yourself.
15:11- Diplomacy is handled with diligence, delicacy and a precise bullet to the cranium.
15:24- I love the way time hastily elapses without need to procrastinate until the appropriate time for a mission to begin. That’s called progress.
15:25- Just observed a man leaping from a terraced window, wearing nothing but leopard print underwear. In any other game that would be considered odd.
15:27- Time to kill an adulterer.
15:29- Note to self; watch where your driving and use peripherals for navigational purposes. Not the other way around!
15:31- There’s something very familiar about this scene?
15:33- Definitely something Lethal Weapon 2 about this scene? Personified in this instance by Michael and Franklin playing the eponymous cops Riggs and Murtaugh respectively.
15:36- To anyone who hasn’t seen the climatic masterpiece that is Lethal Weapon 2, I wont spoil the preceding events for you.
15:45- Just to clarify for future reference; never mess with a legitimate businessman’s house. Though in fairness; catching your adulterous wife in your marital bed with the tennis coach, living with dysfunctional, slothful, vacuous excuse for offspring and owing a leader of crime syndicate $2.5 million for destruction of property can impair your judgement. But great entertainment for the rest of us.
This has been my day, but what did you think of GTA V? Let me know your thoughts. Cheers.